Who Should Pay On Dates…And Other Things - Los Angeles News | FOX 11 LA KTTV

From Anchor Christine Devine

Who Should Pay On Dates…And Other Things

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A study by Chapman University examined where our society stands on who should pay on dates between men and women. Here's an example of what they found:

"Consistent with conventional norms, most men (84 percent) and women (58 percent) reported that men pay for most expenses, even after dating for a while. Over half (57 percent) of women claim they offer to help pay, but many women (39 percent) confessed they hope men would reject their offers to pay, and 44 percent of women were bothered when men expected women to help pay."

Jeff: I think men should pay on dates if they ask the woman out. What bothers me is when the woman expects it to the point that she doesn't appreciate it. If you spend $200 on an evening, that's a nice gesture. And some think it's our duty. Really? How does that fit with fifty years of women fighting for equal pay and abolishing the glass ceiling?

Christine: Jeff, if you're spending $200 on a woman and she doesn't appreciate it then maybe... wait for it... you should lose THAT woman. There are plenty of LA women waiting for a handsome, successful, kind guy... and one who spends $200 on a date... well, that's icing on the cake! Call me, I have some single girlfriends I want to introduce you to!!

Regarding who should pay on dates? Let me start with the start of a dating relationship. There's a saying, "we teach people how to treat us." Ladies, if you want a man to pursue you amidst the many available women out there in L.A. then I say let the man ask YOU out and yes, let him pay for the first date. All dates? No. But the first date, YES! The second date, YES! On the third date, perhaps you pay as a gesture to show you are not a gold-digger and truly interested in the guy. Make brownies, cook dinner, invite him to an event. Do something. Extend some kind of invitation ladies. Give back, so you are showing appreciation for that date; whether it cost the guy $200 or $2.00. Speaking of two dollars... or close to it... one of my best dates was hiking Fryman Canyon and then coffee at Starbucks. Just because one CAN spend $200 on a date, doesn't mean they have to.

Jeff: What kind of brownies? I agree with you, mostly and I think, if the relationship moves into months instead of days, it also has to do with who makes more money, has more financial responsibilities, etc. This also goes to whom, in a relationship should be the leader? Anthropologically, it is easily argued that role goes to the male. But sociologically, when income equality and business status come into play, it becomes murky.

Christine: Ah, now you are actually INTO a relationship. I believe deciding who is the leader is determined through negotiation. The roles may or may not have anything to do with money and the roles may change per scenario. When first dating though, if you want the man to be the leader, ya gotta let him ask you out and let him pay for the first few dates. There's a great book "He's Just Not That Into You." Ladies, if you want to know for sure a guy is "into you" then let him pursue and you appreciate and give back. There's another great book "Getting To I Do" that really explores relationships and roles. It doesn't say one is better than the other, but it does let you know what you are getting into if you split the costs of a date or when a woman pays. The author, Dr. Pat Allen doesn't say it is wrong for a woman to lead but does teach what comes with that role.

Jeff:  Agreed! (Who knew there were books on this!) But we interviewed Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) on Studio 11 LA and she quipped that if we men don't pony up, then what else are we good for? That may be why she gets viewers but it certainly doesn't help the conversation. Once a man and a woman (or a same sex couple as well in this case) begin acting as a unit, responsibilities have to be divided according to what's best for the couple—for both people, not just for the woman.

Christine: By the way, Dr. Pat Allen is guru/mentor/therapist on Millionaire Matchmaker. While I'm no spokesman for the reality/dating show, I can tell you the theory is that when women pay they take on more of a masculine role and the fear is too much coddling of grown man can emasculate. Just sayin'. Read the book. It talks of many roles and understanding the pros and cons. Patti may like to be in the traditional feminine role. Her choice. My guess is, she was referring to early dating. Since she has Pat Allen as her mentor on the show I would bet Patti also encourages people (men and women) to give back when given to... when taken on that $200 date. And I don't mean sexually, as Patti is all about aiming for monogamy... real relationships.

A final note, agreed, couples begin acting as a unit. Roles and duties are negotiated. If you feel you are in a relationship that is not best for both, but just the woman I ask... are you in the right relationship? I don't mean you, Jeff, but any man who is dating. If one ends up with a so-called gold-digger or taker who's fault is it really? Look, I'm no expert. Just an engaged gal who's read a lot of them dating books!

Jeff:    All good points... especially the scenario of a man allowing himself to be emasculated by a woman stepping up where he should be pulling the weight. I do think men can be inherently lazy. But what we need to remember is, there will always be a percentage of the population that gives each gender a bad name. I know that fiancee of yours. Lucky guy!

The story, which included the dating survey also said, 'it is known that most marriages (8 in 10) today are based on sharing the breadwinner's burden."

Christine: ...and what about the chores, the dishes, the laundry, the changing diapers, the cooking meals, the making the bed? (oh, sorry, not part of the study) Again, this too can be negotiated!

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